What it's really like living paycheck to paycheck.
An essay on the helplessness and frustration I currently feel toward my financial situation.
The stress I am currently feeling regarding our financial situation is overwhelming, frustrating, and lately at times has been completely overpowering.
Life just continues to defecate all over my well-laid-plans. Unexpected trips to the pharmacy, a likely-lousy tax return, the shocking sudden increase of our grocery bill, and never ending regular expenses—that while I knew about them ahead of time, I am still annoyed that they just never stop coming.
There’s just never enough money.
I am so fatigued with our money situation. Exhausted by the hamster-on-a-wheel endlessness of my financial stress. It is always on my mind; it’s a gorilla on my back. With every purchase, my stress is exasperated. Every morning, I check our bank balance and y’all, it is bleak right now. My spouse and I are working so hard, every day, and we just cannot get ahead.
Here are some reasons why I am so currently stressed about money:
We’re making aggressive payments towards our debt in an effort to pay it off sooner, but in doing so, we’re making the day-to-day that much tighter. It’s like walking on a tight-rope when the rope keeps getting yanked out from under your feet.
Life is getting more expensive. Everyone knows this. Lots of people are not affected by it, but some people are severely affected by it. We happen to be some of the people that are greatly affected by it for too many reasons.
I’m not working full-time. I do have a new client for my virtual administrative assistance business, but it just never feels like enough income—because it’s not. Working full-time while raising young children is not something I can do right now, which is partly what is causing my feeling of complete helplessness. Many days, I would love to work full-time. I would love to put my hand to something and make money—to feel successful. I would love to have the freedom to work. But, as the mother of high-needs children, my primary responsibility lies with them. I hate having to choose between being a present parent and earning money.
I’m so jealous. I am incredibly envious of the copious amounts of wealth that surrounds me in the community where I live. It’s a wealthy town; most residents are homeowners. The lifestyles here exude wealth—the vehicles, the holidays, the memberships, the houses, the extracurricular activities. I know logically that not everyone is in a better financial situation than me, but when I look out my window, that’s sometimes all I can conclude. I find myself constantly ruminating on thoughts like, “What job does someone do to own a house that big?” “I wish I could afford that holiday,” and “Do you know how lucky you are?”
I’m feeling sorry for myself. And that feeling is compounded by the emotion of not feeling in control of my finances. No matter how hard I try, ends just never meet. I’m so tired of feeling this way. I heard someone say once that the opposite of poor isn’t being rich, it’s having enough. I have never forgotten that phrase, and in these days of feeling so short on cash, I just want enough.
The only plan is to just keep going, but that plan stinks. That plan is challenging. That plan doesn’t seem to be working. That plan means that our heads are barely above water. I guess I keep waiting for some mysterious windfall to come and save us. An inheritance? A winning lottery ticket? A fairy godmother? It feels as if I am stuck on a treadmill and I can’t get off. The pull-cord is stuck, and I’m stuck running at full-tilt even though I want to get off. It feels like perpetual winter. Will it ever be spring?
I wonder what it’s like to never worry about money. I wonder what it’s like to not have to check your bank balance every day. I wonder what it would feel like to pay for something without thinking twice. I wonder what it’s like to feel financially free. I wonder if it will ever happen to me.
Let me know in the comments if you’ve ever felt this way in regards to your money. I’d love to know that I’m not the only one.
Cara—I felt your post my bones. If it helps at all, my husband have been married for 23 years this June. During that time, we have been dead broke, made a bunch of money in corporate jobs, got laid off (when I was 6 mos pregnant), decided to start freelancing, had to move back in with my parents, eventually built a booming business, and watched it crash in the last five years with the rise of AI. So we’re broke again.
Like you, we have special needs kiddos. The one thing I can tell you is this: it will NEVER be a bad decision to spend more time with those babies. Money is ephemeral; time and devotion are eternal. Our daughter just went off to college and our younger kiddo is on a good trajectory to get there as well, but thank God we’re still not working “traditional” jobs because he needs us. You’re a good mama and you’re doing it all right.
I lived like this for years. I expect to deal with it again in my old age.