I spent $102,000.00 on Amazon.

The money came and went.

A couple of years ago, I asked Amazon to email me my transaction history spending total so I could see how much money I had spent between 2010 and 2022.

At that point in my life, I was neck-deep in financial shame. Money was tight, our debt payments were high, inflation was just starting to kick off in Canada, and I was feeling it. I was wallowing in regret from past spending decisions, and I figured that self-flagellation was a good method to help me turn my spending habits around. Maybe if I knew how much money I had spent, and what I had spent it on, it would turn things around.

In addition to getting my purchase history from Amazon, I also calculated how much money my spouse and I had made since we got married. Once I had that information, since we had no savings at the time, I deduced how much money had come and gone and blamed myself for our financial situation.

In 2022, we had reached a difficult point with our finances. We had maxed out on our lines of credits, credit cards, and checking account overdraft and things felt bleak.

The events that led to that time were an inter-provincial move, a job offer promise that fell flat, money that was owed to us never being paid, and furnishing an empty home from scratch. A very long post to be published in the future, but all you need to know is that we had made a lot of expenses in a short amount of time based on things that had happened to us, and previous decisions we had made.

Well, the Amazon spending total was over $100,000.00. I had spent over an entire year’s salary at Amazon in the span of just over a decade. With the spreadsheet data on my computer screen in front of me, I went through each year’s spending and looked at what I had spent the money on, if I still had any of the things I bought, and how much of that money was spent on consumables.

I never ended up finding the exact amounts to each of those categories, but what I realized was that at the end of the day, regardless of whether I spent all of our money on Amazon, or at the grocery store and whether the items were needs or wants or something in between, the money was gone. And the shame I felt was unbearable.

I recently listened to an episode of KC Davis’s Struggle Care about self-compassion with Dr. Lesley Cook and how shame can act as a motivator, initially. But what really inspires long-term change is self-compassion.

KC said this, “Shame can give you information, and if we take that information and then practice self-compassion, we can then do something with that information to actually change. But it can only give you information. It can't give you momentum. It can't create change.”

I still do feel shame for not having more money in our savings accounts. I feel ashamed for moving our family across the country in hopes of living a different kind of lifestyle when that move cost us over $60,000.00 that we’re still paying off four years later. I feel embarrassed that we sold a home that is now worth double what we paid for it—a home that was purchased using a family inheritance. I feel sad for all of the money that has come and gone that could have been used to fund our dreams, save up for a rainy day, or just have in our bank account.

I didn’t know how else to move forward after that day of calculations and revelations other than to restrict and limit our spending, try and save more money, and attempt and earn more. I woke up the next day determined to do better—to be better. I did earn more money. I did spend less money. I did save some more money.

So, I attempted to solve the cash flow issues, but at my core I still am ambiguous about what it means for me that I spent so much money. The internet tells me that I am a failure. It tells me that I need to do better, to make changes, to be more responsible, to hide, to be ashamed.

I think what I’ve realized about the Amazon spending is that it just is. Sure, we could launch into a vibrant debate about billionaires, capitalism, and the ethical flaws of our modern world, but at its core, the money is already spent regardless of where I spent it.

Dr. Lesley Cook said this, “Shame is a closed door. It's a period at the end of a sentence. There's nothing that comes after shame. Shame is the reason, right? Because I'm bad, because I can't help it, because I'm broken. But self-compassion leads us to questions like, ‘How did it get here?’ and ‘What would have to happen for this to be different?’ It's an open door. It's it's multiple open doors, in fact. And if we can learn to view ourselves in that way and each other, I think we start asking the questions that actually do get us moving and are motivating.”

I have lived so many years burdened by financial shame, and it has gotten me nowhere. All of my spending cannot simply be categorized between being reckless, irresponsible, or careless. Some of this spending was on things we needed to live, and I can’t be continue to feel terrible for being alive.

So, where do I go from here? What does a healthy relationship with money look like? How do I reconcile the mistakes I made in the past with how I view my worth? I don’t know yet, but maybe one day I’ll find out.

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